The fear

It has been months now.Wrapped up in the same agony but a new war in my heart going on!

Are you the one?

You have been there when i lost all interest in love,affection and relationships.Do you remember our initial talks..i always told you how much i hate romantic songs and the romantic flicks? And the fact that i least cared for anyone except a bunch of friends and how much i hate communication on phone or messaging for hours after being such a professional(yes,typing without even looking at the keypad..lol!).Life was so much more of mess,though,still it is .But,that numbness which occupied my mind most of the time in respect of something sentimental has been eliminated.Yes,the way you hated me initially because i never responded properly every time you were angry at me(yeah the same reply-OK.i guess you are upset now,so talk to you later).All the time i wasted sitting in front of my lappy with that no-serious-life attitude!how insane i was!I lost all that sanity in life,all dreams,career,all that bothered was friendships and some college fun!You made me realize that life isn't about just having fun,being lazy,getting addicted to stuffs i shouldn't(though still i am but yes i do resist just because of that small promise!)

All this has turned around for better of course!:)

I still need a prick just to see whether is it all real?..can someone be in love( so much) with someone who isn't even paying a heed to him?If  i would have been at your place,i seriously would have lost it in a a month or so.But for you,it has been 8 damn months..oh man..such a long time..!i know the fear that creeps in your mind every time i go mad(yes my mood fluctuations,as you call it).I just want to tell you that its not my mood fluctuations,it is the fear whether would i be able to stick to my commitments?..are you the one?...do i really need someone?...and of course the fear of rejection after some time above all!


Though,things are still unexplainable.My dreams are still just a thin line of imagination.Some emotions are still unidentifiable but yeah there are some!there is something,which i am not able to figure out(if i would have been,you wouldn't have got numerous chances even after what i did with you twice or even thrice!).Surely,the way i imagined my life after something big happening(you know what i mean by big here),it isn't the same way.You surely aren't the one whom i ever dreamt of(yeah you are not my types :P)..we are poles apart starting from each and everything,you know that!(even the zodiac sign have never been compatible with me,a taurean..lol..i gave you loads of real life example for it!)..Still,something which is making things work is your love and care.Had you not been there,i wouldn't have thought of moving on,leaving the past.Had you not been there,i wouldn't have got the motivation to study when i was just losing everything.Had you not been there.i wouldn't have started listening to soft songs.Had you not been there,i wouldn't have that capabilities to talk on phone for hours.Had you not been there,i wouldn't have retain that care and affection for people.Had you not been there,i wouldn't be able to speak each and every activity happening around me each day..obviously who is interested in what all happened in my life each day!Had you not been there,i wouldn't have my best admirer(oh god,still remember how much anxious you were when i had a haircut,it didn't even bother me that much though they were my own hair) when it comes to looks and nature but the worst critic of all when it comes to my lifestyle(yeah the same laid back attitude i develop after a few days of seriousness..hehe..).Had you not been there,i wouldn't have given justifications(you know,not my habit to justify things).Had you not been there,i wouldn't have ever listen to someone scolding me(at least someone of my age) but in your case all i do is just listen to your scolding,then feel like a small child with a sorry face because of all her wrong deeds..but..seriously love the attention..lol!

Still,i don't speak my mind to you because i still need some time..something might not be right...maybe!All we can live is on hope.You will get your answers soon.

As for me...i do dream but i still have a fear...

Hoffnung..

HOFFNUNG...that's all i am thinking of at this very moment.I have never ever felt so miserable.I have always been an atheist but today when i look up at all the situations,all i could do is just pray to god.Just pray that everything fell at the right place.No,this ain't for me.These are prayers for a dear friend who is stuck in midst of the worst situation of all!

I have never seen you so distressed like i saw you yesterday.i want to come up to you,be with you all the times just to support you.Make you feel that everything would be alright.To make you realize that you are a WARRIOR.You have that potential in you(yes..the same potential i was speaking about on fone,you have it in you dude..undoubtedly).This really cant be the end.Even imagining such a thing makes me shiver.How would everything go after this?..No,i don't want to imagine it.

The way you talked on fone yesterday,i could make out how much miserable you were feeling.The dark clouds hovering over you is what i frigging badly want could be eliminated.I have never ever prayed or felt so miserable for someone other than me.But today,that's all i hope for you!

I want to see that smile back on your face.Your weird and lame talks back.Your lazy attitude(though it has to be improve) and your who-cares-about-the-world attitude back!I know neither is it in your hands,nor in mine but prayers do work sometimes.Don't just loose hope and don't just jump to any conclusions until you get the facts right.Even if everything doesn't fell right,do remember:this is not the end of everything,life is much more than all this.Its not about falling but rising up after falling down so deep.Nothing would be better that just rising up after a fall.Just believe in yourself,get more serious and a pinch of hard work:the ingredients to your success!

I feel like a storm passing by!:( :(

Best of luck for you dear friend.Its a crucial time for you.Don't just loose hope!Have faith in yourself and don't worry about family;they would be the first ones to support you against all odds!

PS:Readers,please do pray for my dear friend.I hope everything goes right for him!

ce shalll doit passer trop de..the story of a girl

I was just going through facebook and suddenly stalked you.Saw you,your posts,her face,her posts and comments.As i closed my eyes for a few seconds,everything got refreshed from where it all started.Not that i want that but because of the sudden impulse to check how you are doing in life.Maybe,that's not what i should have been doing,i do resent it because i know its not worth anymore.No,you don't worth me(that's what people say,you said when you were leaving).Still,from immemorial times(yeah that's what i would tag that time as..) i have been thinking about you,not that i haven't moved on.I still fall in love with people,i still laugh the way i want to,i still know how to care,i still know how to have fun but with you something was different.I don't know what ignited that spark in me to live life like i have the best of all,to be myself.I know you never loved me that way,never would you ever do so.I know you have been so busy nowadays,but i,do remember the time when you used to call me the closest person among all in your life.Just because of that little commitment of yours(even as a best friend),i still have some good memory in my head,I do feel like something missing,i will always remember you(obviously first love it was,my first love.) in a little place in the back of my mind.As if those feelings are saved in a small trunk and then throwing them in the large store room where my belongings which are not in use are put.


But wait,do you feel the same way?..even a little bit of it?


Guess what...its a big NO( i know that!).whom am i kidding now!.okay fine,REALITY CHECK..now the fact is:we all know why summer love(or first love) are called so..maybe because it doesn't last much,just a summer or maybe its just the first one,a starting of something beautiful or leaving something for a better thing!

Silly me,thinking about all such stuffs when i know you are nothing but a selfish.You are nothing but self obsessed.You have changed and so did i.

The worst part was,we dint even have to be together for you to shatter my heart.You did it as many times as you could stab someone until he sleeps to death.My heart bleeds but its time to move on.Move on for my own good(yes i am selfish,who isn't?). 

From now,don't expect me to remain in touch with you.I wouldn't do that deliberately.Moreover i m loathing you day by day because of your deeds.I am no Ceaser ready for all the stabs by his very close,Brutus.I wouldn't let it happen.

But,still i forgive you for all that happened,i miss you because you were the first who made my heart pound.But,i am moving on with my strong heart,this time all guarded.For good this time.:)

yours lovingly,
a girl all broken but still running strong!








ps:the above article has nothing to do with my personal life.So kindly take it just as a piece of writing or a thought.Hope you would be able to relate to a teenage girl's feeling.

I feel like writing for you just once a year...!

As i am finishing the second bournville chocolate,thinking of something to write for a person.Few gifted chocolates sugared with loads of love and money with promises that i would always be saccharine like i am today made me spill some affections on paper rather say on the laptop.So,this one goes just for you my baby brother(not-so-baby,but that's what i remember coz' of all the years of growing up together).

yes!this for you my dear sid!(no,siddi is what i call him)

I still remember the day when you were born,the mixed feeling i had at that.On one side i was so ecstatic when i learned that i would be having a sibling from this very day,but on the other i was regretting why isn't HE a SHE.Damn,i wanted a girl.A girl to play with me,sharing all those pretty barbie dolls i had.,to share each and every secrets of mine which you can share with your girl-friends,to go shopping together when we would have been old enough and try slipping into each others clothes.That's how i wanted things to happen.But then all these dreams were overpowered with the sudden blissful mood of the whole family including me of corse!

But..but that doesn't mean i love you a lot...i hate you so much...i hate so many things in you.I hate the way you watch all your violent cartoons all day long.I hate the way you dress up(ohh..how much i crib about this fact that you were so damn handsome but now as the day passes by,you are becoming more and more uglier..duh).I hate the way you put up your silly excuses in front of everyone in the family and succeed in all your tricks whereas i being the elder one always has to face the music.I hate the way you go mad about those multi-pocket jeans and cargoes(by the way on a serious note:you look like a joker in it).ahan...and not to forget your stupid love for yellow colour..duh...those yellow tees of yours.I hate the way you eat,i hate your madness to love each food stuff which i hate.I hate it when you pull my hair while fighting(ok readers just to tell you now, i do revert back,i do bite him until and unless he bleed).I hate you for ruining each of my plan.I hate the mornings which usually start with a fight to occupy the same bathrooms for one whole hour inspite of of having 2 more in the house.I hate the way you have occupied the whole cupboard though you don't even need half if it.I just don't like your almost regular rude behaviour even if i am in a jolly good mood. You just turn into a moron when it comes to watch stuffs on idiot box.i know how much you try to irritate me by switching to channels which i don't like(though i know even you don't).You have a  bad taste in everything starting from food to clothes.I even hate the way you switch off the lights as early as possible so that i cant do any work in the night and the way you have planned out to throw me out of your room.But remember i HATE  your ugly funny room and would be shifting back to my room...ha ha ha!!I even hate the way you talk on phone(it looks like self improvising for you:to  be as rude as possible).I even hate the way you go on with you stupid games(especially farmville),those stupid cartoons,your madness about rajma and tindas,your electronic stuffs(which you don't even let anyone touch) and your i-know-everything attitude.I hate the way you copy each and every innovative idea of mine,you cheater cock.The worst of all how you forget everything including your friends' name and the way you don't obey my orders.I hate everything about you.

I am still recalling all the fights we had on stuffs like that.But as it is said,you get into regular fights with only those people whom you love a lot.Maybe the same prevails here.I do think so coz' the more you know a person inside out(the real person),the more you know his bad and good side.Everyone has a good side and bad one,nobody is perfect ,nobody have the same qualities and nobody can follow your steps the way you wish,if that person does then you might call him more of a slave.

In our case,i know how much we hate each others qualities but still love being with each other,accepting each other rather say adjusting or in our words 'tolerating' each other.But maybe that what we call affection and love;being with someone knowing each and every bad quality of that person.

I did mention above all the points i hate about out you but when it comes to the other side of the coin.I love you for being the most lovable brother(on some rare occasions though),being the most funny creature when i m literally in tears(for some reason where you are not involved),for guiding me through stuffs where i have a zero-knowledge(yeah yeah..i know ..the electronics stuff...now don't boast much about it).I love it when we get united and fight with everyone in the house to prove we are right or convincing them.All the laughters we had together on senseless topics,all the times we fight for chocolates(dekh aadhi aadhi krle chup chap),abusing at most at each other,pretending we do not care;these are the moments which i cherish a lot.we need enough space for scribbling such stuffs but still i love fighting with you and i know even you need a reaction from me(that personal attention which you gain though your fights and arguments).I love it.These being the crazy moments which proves the love,when it comes to a more serious note,i still remember how you used to go sick everytime i used to go on school trips for some days when you were small(and even cry!).But bro,this is not just from one end,even i miss you a lot..a lot when you are not at home for more than a day(remember the solan trip of yours??..man i missed you a lot though never told you.).I love the way you get concerned about me.The way you used to bring everything you eat to me just share it with me.All the love is reflected in each and every actions of yours.

So today's article is just dedicated for you(hope you would read it).I LOVE YOU BROTHER AND WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.

By the way here are some of our sweet memories i collected-

                                                                ain't he beautiful?

 

 sundays  are meant for such silly photo shoots!!

In the end,just want to say bhai i love you so much but this is the only day when i feel like writing something(no no..no buttering for money)

May god bless you and may you remain the same cry-baby,lazy,shabby lil old boy as always!!:)

oh by the way forgot to mention......HAPPY RAKSHA BANDHAN!!

yours lovingly,

your bitch sister(as you tag me)