Acceptance.

Its time that I accept things.Things bothering me,feeling bothering me,people bothering me.I had in mind that things can go on like they are and I just need to go with the flow.But,after a lot happening around,lot of changes around I feel its time to put my foot down.

I will speak this time.I will speak my heart out.I feel this is the time when I need to accept few things and let others know so that they can accept it.Its better to stay in a good long-lasting friendship by telling people the truth.My reactions has not been the best and I could not justify them yet.This time I will be straight with words I wanted to speak for long but did not have the courage to.It needs a lot of guts but I guess that is the only way I can make things right and make people realize why insecurity has trodden upon my mind.

 I hope this makes things fine between us,if not the best.

The fact that I might not be here after maybe 6-7 months,maybe(I hope it happens) is already making me sad.I want to move up in life,do the best I should but something is pulling me back.Its you.The idea of you not being around all the time makes me sad.I had the best time of my life and had the best lessons in Hyderabad.I wish things would go on like this but everybody has to move on and hence I have to accept it.I just wish you be like what you are after all these separations.

*I miss being with you and talking to you everyday,any day.I miss talking to you about silly things and laughing my heart out.I miss talking about every minute detail starting from dinner plans to big tragedies in life.I miss hanging out with you or hanging around you.*

And when the skies have cleared!

I feel good.I feel relaxed.I feel happy.

It takes a lot of courage to go and talk to a person about things you have been silent about.But,the courage is worth it.Had I not fought more and more with my friend.We would have never realized the importance of this whole thing.

What came as something I was thinking is way too shallow came out to be quite normal for a human being.The weird part is that we both were going through the same phase.We both were feeling neglected by each other.This was the best example of being misunderstood in all my life.We were ignoring each other because we thought that we don't want to talk to each other.

We made amends to improve ourselves.Not to hide things.Just talk freely.

Now I am sitting at my friends place,we have been chatting day and night from a week and it feels way too good.It feels that a new bond has developed.We are shouting,laughing,poking each other,making fun of each other,confessing things,talking about stupid things,serious things and what not.

It feels to good to be with you my dear friend.

Upside Down

Its happening again.I don't want to land up here.

-My first thought whenever I meet you.

We used to meet everyday.Now things have changed and I miss talking to you.Of course,I know you are there,every time,anytime.You have always been there to hug me ,to let me speak my heart out,to let me make stupid comments,to let me fight with you,teasing you and being there for my rescue.

I know things still might be on the same end.But,being a reticent being I could never speak up that I need you.I need you to talk to me and discuss things like we used to do.Things remain unheard from my end.I feel as if its never going to happen.Every time we meet,I need to tell my heart that this is how things happen but my heart...well I guess both my heart and mind have come to a tacit agreement with each other.

I just couldn't tell it to anyone.Hence,writing comes to the rescue.

I miss you.I miss being with you.Talking to you.I just want you to talk with me one on one.I want to you to know things,I want you to tell me things.It hurts being in front of you and not feeling that important.It hurts when I get to know things going in your life from other people.It hurts when the priorities begins to change.I wish I could tell you all this so that we could fix it all.But,I would never be able to speak out all this.

I just pray that I don't do something foolish due to this mayhem caused in my head and heart.

PS:All this doesn't change my feelings towards you.Neither am I angry about this,nor am I demanding all this.I just wish things to get back to how they were.

Life and more..

An year has passed on and I never wrote anything here,maybe,because I was too busy making things differ this time.It has indeed.Situations have changed me.I like what I am today.Or it can be because I have changed myself too much that I don't feel the need to confront my feelings and pen them down somewhere.I guess I could connect to the latter part more.

I have been trying to write down just to vent out everything but these words aren't slipping from my mouth.I cant recollect what I am feeling,what I should think about or what is bothering.I don't know anything. Infact,I guess I don't even want to think!!

I am not a big fan of attachments.I loathe getting attached to people or things from a very long time.All this is because I feel its such waste of time,getting attached to people and things,again making things work and then while getting away,consoling yourself that it happens.

I came to this new city where I had promised myself that things would never affect me.I wont let anything dither me from my goals.They still haven't made any changes on the latter part(yes ,maturity strikes here!) but getting attached? I don't know.I have been in a state of denial from months now,thinking that this is so not me.I have acted foolish in front of people who are close to me just to show them that their presence or absence doesn't make a difference to me.I have been doing this all the time.I still do it sometimes.But,I know I am going to miss someone.I can't show it,I cant cry or yell out because that's not my style.I haven't been like this from a very long time.I wanted to enjoy life,travel and do things I haven't ever done,independently.But,somehow I am again stuck into this whole loop.Although I am still at a better position because I am sticking to the realities of life this time.

There comes a time in life when you have to act properly,react properly and shut you mouth for things to go smooth.I have been doing all this.Now,it hurts sometimes.It makes me delirious.The idea of being separated from people you like without even letting them know how you feel about it makes the situation worse.The fear that some people wouldn't connect often like other friends makes those things more worse.

I dont know what I am looking for or why I am writing this?What have I concluded from all of it?What should be my next step?How can I run away from this whole situtaion before I have to face it?Why I have all those insecurities?Should I just let myself feel that I don't care about people or situations and I just want to enjoy life like it is irrespective of any human around?Will I ever be able to confront my thoughts and feelings in front of people I should?How would deal with life after some part of my life gets separated?The idea of being alone in this city,someone's absence, would it make some significant changes in my life or not?

I don't have any answer.I am just trying not to face all this in some or the other manner.I feel I am weak to look for the answers.I don't know why am I even writing this post.I just want to run away from here.Run away from people.From places.Like I have always been doing,

Just some random thoughts I had in mind.